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| ...The End...
Gravity... The force of attraction between two bodies... And the unavoidable collision that results. I am leaving my world in less than twelve hours, colliding my past and future, fusing mental remembrances and memories with dreams and goals... this is unavoidable destiny. Closer now than light years to go, I am treasuring every single second of life right now. Heightened perception, mental alertness, and emotional sensitivity are creating this unbelievable stability...
...Did I tell you this story? It was about a boy. Just an, ordinary boy, but, he was lookin' to the sky... A young wide-eyed, naive kid who thought he knew everything? His face was turned towards that luminescent blue face, painted with the dreams of life. He gazed deep within that omniscient visage, searching for anything, but those dreams. He thought there was something else... something he needed. He kept searching until one day... he was no longer a boy. He discovered something... Welcome to the real world, she said to me, condescendingly...
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world... just a lie... you've got to rise above...
Tears. Why do they come out? Why do we people cry anyway? It's not like we need it, do we? It's just all this damn salty water comin' out of our eyes... it just creates all this crap we gotta wipe away, you know? And how come we always feel crappy and stuff before it hits us, but after we do it, it kinda feels better? Like, I don't know, it's shit like that that you kind of think about for a long time...
Brandon arrives at the castle of emotions. He sees a level 99 Demon Lord of Changing Future. He wields a Blade of Courage and Socialibility +9, fully armored in a suit of Happy Memories +5. He attacks, but misses. The Demon Lord completely avoided his attack! He casts a spell of loneliness and homesickness on Brandon, bringing Brandon to 1 HP. Brandon, on his final breath, summons his friends... They healed Brandon back to full strength! With Brandon at the front, they combine to cast the Ultimate Spell... Eternal Friendship. The Demon Lord was defeated...!
Gazing at that sky... I wanted to fly...
...So you gave me your wings...
...And time...
...Held its breath so I could see...
...And you set me free...
I should not be afraid to take a long cool sip of life.
Of all the things I've believed in,
I just want to get it over with,
Tears form behind my eyes,
But I do not cry,
Counting the days that pass me by...
I've been searchin' deep down in my soul,
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old,
It feels like I'm starting all over again,
The last three years were just pretend...
And I said,
Goodbye to you...
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew...
You were the one I loved...
The one thing that I tried to hold on to...
I still get lost in your eyes,
And it seems that I can't live a day without you,
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away,
To a place where I am blinded by the light,
But it's not right...
Goodbye to you...
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew...
You were the one I loved...
The one thing that I tried to hold on to...
And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time,
I want what's yours and I want what's mine,
I want you,
But I'm not giving in this time...
Goodbye to you...
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew...
You were the one I loved...
The one thing that I tried to hold on to...
The one thing that I tried to hold on to...
...And when the stars fall,
...I will lie awake,
...You're my shooting star...
How is it possible that life can be so unfamiliar and familiar all at once? How is it that life can be so cold and unforgiving, and yet, so close and compassionate all at once? How is it that I can be excited, and yet, not excited all at once...?
---------------------------------------------------
I've seen fire and I've seen rain,
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end,
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,
But I always thought that I'd see you again...
---------------------------------------------------
So this is the end, my friends. No more DreamerScout. No more hanging out with all my friends and acquaintances. No more days spent in the quiet bliss of home. And most of all, there is no more boyhood innocence... I have entered a whole new world. And life as I know it has been changed. I wish all of you well on your various journeys. Hopefully, we'll keep in touch (four months isn't that long when you think about it). And keep the fire of the dream alive, my friends. Keep the dream alive.
Thank you. | | |
| The Update... A Final Revelation...
Lying in bed at almost 5 A.M. this morning, I pondered and twisted my mind into bitter knots. I arrived and faced the painful truth: Eight days. I will be leaving for a brand new world in eight days. 192 hours. 11520 minutes. 691200 seconds. Less than one million more frames in time spent within a place that I have called home for 18 years. And I came to a final revelation: I cannot wage a war between people whom I have known for so long. Everyone must choose their own legacy... I have chosen the path of forgiveness and love. So consider this my commentary/letter to make amends: I completely understand if none of you care or accept my words of apology, but I need to at least let you know that I may have been wrong in my actions. Forgive my indecision... I am only an eighteen year old boy discovering this world. With this final entry, I will be able to move on and live with myself.
I must address the people who have made an impact upon my summer journey:
Susan (kentuckyfaithful): Your bitter words are extremely caustic, but perhaps there is a side to the story I have not seen. Perhaps I am wrong... I don't know. All I can really do is apologize for my actions... I really can't say whether anyone is right or wrong, but I would really like to avoid pointless confrontation. I am truly sorry for any of my actions that caused such destructive thoughts. If you do not forgive me... it is perfectly understandable. Actions do speak louder than words... but at the moment, words are all I have to offer. So no matter what you think, I can live with your decision and my own. I can live with myself in the future.
Steven (stevelee84): Steven... I think we really need to meet one last time before we leave. I once considered you one of my best friends... perhaps that sentimentality died with future situations. We had similar thoughts... similar problems... similar expectations... similar dreams... but time changed everything. I would still like to see you again and reminisce... About the good old days. Perhaps we could also talk about the future. Because that is what we must look to.
Natalie (naffy): I would like to think that I shared a special bond with you. An uncommon bond that I could never shape into something I wanted. Something that I thought I needed. I used to think I loved you, but I realized how untrue my aim was. I only needed some sort of emotional deposit box... and you were there. I think we share very common thoughts and traits... you will always be a friend, no matter how much time erodes our withering contact. Just never forget to forgive... never forget that the future is ALWAYS a new beginning...
Julian (puppychow): You have been a true friend. I cannot ask for more than your own thoughts and support. Even when I was stubborn and wrong, you faced me head on and vocally expressed your ideas. I respect you much for doing so. You have also been fun competition throughout the summer... I appreciate your fire. Because I have that same fire. All I can say is that you should continue to possess an inner strength that will keep you from burning out. I hope that your college future will be laden with many new opportunities and ideas...
Chad (yamanet48): I have not known you for very long... but it feels like we have known each other throughout our entire lives. You attempted to maintain an unstable bond within a situation that wasn't even your problem... for that, I thank you very much. Your efforts are truly respectable. On certain levels... I think we relate very uniquely, but strangely, poignantly. You obviously possess the ability to become successful... when you do reach your apex... I will be there to shake your hand and congratulate you...
Darren: Come on... there are really no problems between us, right? LoL. Nah, you've been a genuine friend to me and I can't really ask for anymore. We will see each other at USC, I'm guessing, so you are gonna be a part of my future anyway. We will tackle it together, though. Cause from what I've heard... life is really tough...
Now, I must address the people who have made an impact upon my life...
Alex (virulency): ...I am at a loss for words... What can I say, except that I could never hold a grudge against you. Please accept my apologies, for they are all I have to offer. I apologize for everything... I have wronged you in many ways and I completely understand if you never want to see me again. I have worn away the fabric of an innocent friendship... it has been replaced with a tainted silken thread that barely holds. You do not need my friendship: many people have expressed similar thoughts, but I hope that we can at least make peace with each other. I hope to see you before I leave, because I think we have much to discuss. Some things great, some things not so great. I cannot be a part of this silent war because I don't find it worthwhile... what else can I say? I am going to be perfectly honest... I don't think our friendship will survive, because the damage done has been deeper than I could have ever expected. I realize that you may never completely forgive me, but I do hope that you will at least consider my apologies. Consider everything that I have done... that we have done together... And of course, consider the future. If you cannot forgive me... I will accept it and move on. If you can forgive me... then what I can say... Thank you?
Jen (somegurluknow): This entry will be private, sorry.
And finally... to everyone I have met and everyone I have known throughout my eighteen years of life... You were all very special people and although you may be forgotten... Please realize that you have all made some impact upon my life. You have created something within me that no one else could. You have changed my future. And for that... thanks.
I will probably write one more concluding entry before I leave, but this entry pretty much concludes the DreamerScout saga. I am no longer a dreamer... I am probably no longer a boy scout... so I cannot live under this identity any longer. With my last eight days... I will try to enjoy as much as I can and continue to sew the damage I have caused within the fabric of our lives. I have finally realized that I must... "Let it Be." Thank you for your time.
I love you all.
-DreamerScout
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| Improvisational poetry... I've been doing this a lot lately... It's actually really fun if you're a dork like me... 
You just clear your head of all thoughts and write without stopping. You don't even stop to think about spelling and grammar and punctuation. It's like completely stream-of-consciousness thoughts... Ok, here I go...
water plain and simple, with this oceanic crust dipped into applesauce covered with a cold darkened sample of light. i thought i only saw her eyes, but it was her soul, deep and pale, plush and faded all at once. when i fell into her abyss, i only cried once because after it, I didn't fear anymore, but only the inevitable silence afterward. inevitably, we tossed and tumbled down this chosen spiral, watery and spilling into this pit of undeterred fate. I only spoke once because I realized that the words were useless, she was no more, but a faded image, a simple illusion of my mind.. And then I came out of the water and slipped into comfortable madness...
hehe, not bad, eh... Ok, let me think of another one...
i climbed into this empty mirror, of blinding thoughts uncomfortably wretched and true. i dipped my head into a pale seed, this growing reminiscent facade that you called hope. i only knew that this mirror was some sort of gateway, a knowledgable item of incandescent peace and when I realized that everything was right, i just climbed out. but then, you know, sometimes mirrors are just images. sometimes, they aren't real. and then you have realized that what the mirror said was true: you were simply searching for yourself.
damn... that feels good...
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Some Random Thoughts by DS, part IV...
You know what's strange? When it's 2 A.M. and you need to wake up in six hours. When you've been listening to nothing, but really strong trance for like two hours straight. When you're not thinking about anything, not how fucking good that computer game was, not how hot that chick you saw was, not the taste of water when you're thirsty, not the pangs of hunger you get late at night, not the smell of emotionally rusted bedsheets, not the sight of blinding discontinuity in your life, and definitely not the thought of something mattering. All there is are the words I type and the hypnotic sounds of techno beats falling back and forth, pulsing deep within my soul and filling my entire being with this desire. This desire to exist. It's funny how you've come to realize how living is inevitably nothing. Beyond the universe, there is probably a void of non-existence. In this space, it is completely empty of both life and energy. When you think about it, living is simply the decompression of death. It is death falling apart. Death is the only TRUE reality because it is the absence of everything. Life and energy are only supplements to death, they are only by-products and temporary additions, these temporary visages that sometimes cloud the spectrum of reality. Life and energy are not eternal, they will eventually fall back into the reality called Death. They are merely figments of an eternal existence. We pretend, we create ideas in our head to convince ourselves that we are something more, that we are mentally or spiritually eternal. But taken from a strictly scientific point, death CAN be the only thing that lasts forever. How can you destroy nothingness? With this, comes the ultimate balance: Life and Death. Ultimately, there needs to be a balance between life and death. Death cannot exist if life doesn't. But doesn't death control this balance? We are all susceptible to death from the moment we enter life: we aren't susceptible to life after death. At least, from a logical point of view. So, it seems to me, that we are struggling upon one side of the see-saw in order to keep a perfect balance. Death sits calmly upon one side, very weighty and immovable. If we do not keep this balance, we will all die and death shall tip the see-saw. However, once life does not exist, death disappears completely. For the see-saw no longer becomes a see-saw, but is just merely a piece of wood, balance is no longer attainable. So what happens when life AND death fail to exist? Well, this is where my theory of the empty pocket exists. Somewhere, beyond, the simple planes of our planets, our solar systems, our galaxies, our universes... there must like a pocket. In this pocket, there is an undescribable state there. It is the state of being in neither life nor death. This might be the equivalent of a Christian "heaven", but I don't really know. All I can assume is that we are at peace there. There is no desire for anything because there is ultimately nowhere to go. We are single points on a graph, contented and impossible to change.
So what does this have to do with anything? Well, I just thought about something that someone said to me. They told me that I shouldn't be so concerned with everything and that I should just live. Why? For the purpose of living. There is a lot of truth to this simple statement. Since we have already defined that living, in the scheme of totality, is nothing, then to live, to be, is simply a continuation of this nothing state. There is nothing wrong with existing in this nothing state, because it is the only state of existence that we can fully call a "reality". What about dying? Is it ok to die? Ultimately, I would have to say yes because death is an unavoidable state of nature. Since we know nothing beyond this state from our perspective, it is easy to realize why no one freely kills themselves. But my point is that, we cannot spend our lives searching. We will never find anything in a state of nothing. In fact, what I am doing right now, is totally hypocritical because I am trying to find reason in nothing. Life is nothing. It is simply the decompression of death, a temporary state of change within the balance of the cosmic see-saw. So, essentially, what's the meaning of life? LIFE HAS NO MEANING! It is useless to discover something in nothingness. My view may seem pessimistic, but in fact, if you read it a little more, you'll see that it is pretty optimistic. We live to simply live. There is no further meaning, there is no spiritual existence, there is no finding anything... we just live. With this thought, you can do anything you want. You can eat fifty hot dogs a day. You can parachute out of a plane without a parachute. You can save people from a burning building. Nothing matters ultimately, but through evolution and very intensive scientific advancements, we have nearly convinced ourselves that a reality does exist in this world. So, in fact, we are all superficial. We are all just looking at the surface and not considering the larger scale of things. But... as I said before, there is nothing wrong with that! Be superficial! I certainly am. Find meaning in nothing! Find something in someone that isn't there! I think because humans are such superficial beings, we are quite easily satiated and pleased. Therefore, on very minute scales, there may be levels of superficiality, but it is nothing compared to the grander scheme of depth beyond our conception.
What does this all mean? I just attempted to change my perspective in life. I felt a little disgusted and angered by some things I saw around me, but after meditating and thinking a little bit, I realized that life isn't really affected by anything, ultimately. So the next time I see someone whining about the rise in prices of platform shoes at the mall, I won't get angered. I won't think, "Fucking little bitch. Why are people such dumbshits?" The next time I hear about someone wanting to "do your mom," or "do that chick," or "do your gay friend," I won't think or get upset. I will completely understand that level of superficiality in comparison to mine and realize that we are all superficial. Whether you're trying to find a hot guy/girl to date, whether you're trying to kick everyone's ass in Starcraft, whether you're trying to find a really nice pair of boots, whether you're trying to analyze the meaning behind a poem, whether you're trying to save someone from dying from cancer, whether you're trying to reasonably decipher the meaning of life... it's all upon the surface. Of course, my whole argument might just be a superficial reasoning. So you don't have to believe it, of course. But anyway, if you really read down this far upon my thoughts, you'll know that all I'm saying is that you just need to realize that we are all the same. We are all living. We are all superficial. We are all human. And damn, it does feel pretty good for nothing...
For what it's worth, you're all pretty great people. Keep up the good work and never stop!
-DS- | | |
| All I got to say...
WARCRAFT III TODAY!!! w00t!!!
Damn, reserving my copy has to be the smartest decision I've ever made since I decided to study for AP finals...
Time to go get it... and experience it!
*puts "Do Not Disturb or Prepare to Die" sign upon his door* | | |
| Man, a lot of summer depression/boredom has been swimming in the seas of life for a lot of people... Here's a little ditty by those four idiots from Liverpool...
What would you think if I sang out of tune?
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song,
And I'll try not to sing out of key.
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, I get high with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, Gonna try with a little help from my friends...
...What do I do when my love is away?
(Does it worry you to be alone?)
How do I feel by the end of the day?
(Are you sad because you're on your own?)
No, I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, Get high with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, Gonna try with a little help from my friends...
(Do you need anybody?)
I need somebody to love...
(Could it be anybody?)
I want somebody to love...
(Would you believe in a love at first sight?)
Yes, I'm certain that it happens all the time...
(What do you see when you turn out the light?)
I can't tell you, but I know it's mine...
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, Get high with a little help from my friends,
Ooh, I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends...
(Do you need anybody?)
I just need somebody to love...
(Could it be anybody?)
I want somebody to love...
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, Gonna try with a little help from my friends...
Oh, I get high with a little help from my friends,
Yes, I get by with a little help from my friends,
With a little help my friends...!
Ok, who else can relate to this song... I sure can...
More to add later...!
*Coming up on DreamerScout's next entry*
-"Songwriting Sessions" with DreamerScout. Guests will include John Mayer and Michelle Branch.
-The mystery of strawberries... Are they made of straw?
-More depressing poetry most likely... I'm sorry...
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